"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of his glory to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height - to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." (Ephesians 3:14-21)
After first reading this, I desired deep within my soul for this prayer to be true for me, because I felt like I didn't understand the love of God, I only half heartedly felt like I was worshiping, loving, and serving Him. Ben and I prayed that night for this, that we would have strength to comprehend the love of God, that we could try to grasp and comprehend how vast His love is for us. I prayed a few other times whenever I thought of it, but slowly the Scripture fell out of mind.
Recently, however, God began working in my heart in mighty ways that I can't fully explain. Some things that I write may seem prideful or boastful, but I hope that they aren't perceived that way. I want this post to be an outward expression of my love and worship to God for what He has been doing in me. A few weeks back, I realized that one of the reasons I was living half heartedly for God was because I was believing and exposing myself to demonic lies. (I'd rather not get into specifics on such a broad forum as the internet, so if you want more details, ask me in person) When I finally had my eyes opened to see the lies for what they were, I experienced one of the most intense spiritual attacks in my life. I suddenly felt scared, terrified, as I sat alone in my apartment. I also felt cold, and was shivering even though I sat near a space heater that said the room was 70 degrees. I prayed, and sought prayer from others that night, and had a long talk with my brother Joe, sharing with him openly and honestly about my doubts and fears and reservations for following God. Light was sown on my sin, and I clung to truth, that nothing can separate us from the love of God.
After that night, I began to make it more of a point to pray every morning, listening to a pod cast my mother introduced me to a year or so ago, which to be honest isn't always helpful, but is better than nothing most of the time. With that I started each day, meditating on Scripture passages, and having brief conversations with God. As the days went on, I started journaling more, and writing out my prayers, requests, and fears to God.
Now, just in the past few days, I have noticed a love and desire to worship God welling up in my heart. I'll be walking home from school, and listening to music on my iPod, and I will simply start worshiping, singing praises out to God, even singing out loud which I generally try to avoid especially in public places. And I have been hearing from God more, through messages in church, or in songs, and the pod casts I've still been listening too.
In one instance, while praying in the morning, the podcast was guiding me to meditate on a passage in Luke where Jesus says, "Blessed are the eyes which see the things you see; for I tell you that many prophets and kings have desired to see what you see, and have not seen it, and to hear what you hear, and have not heard it." (Luke 10:23-24) While thinking on this Scripture, God allowed me to realize the beauty that is His Church. Prophets like Moses longed for a time when God's Spirit would be poured out on His people, and a time when all nations and races will worship and rejoice in God. And now, being a part of the 21st century Church, I have opportunities to see people of every race, nation, tribe and tongue, become baptized and profess their faith in Christ, and receive His Holy Spirit to help guide them and grow them in spiritual maturity.
And even today, while walking home, the song Table for Two by Caedmon's Call came on my iPod, and during it, God spoke to me, showing me the beauty of the creation story. When God goes to make man, He fashions him out of the mud, dirt, and clay of the earth. Out of the very base things of this planet, then stuff we don't want to track into our homes, the things we wash off our hands, and try to avoid at all costs, God took that, and out of it formed his most cherished creation. As people, we come from dirty backgrounds, we come from lives of sin, and meet God, and He breathes the breath of life into us, and turns dirt to flesh, and loves us, as a husband loves his wife. I don't have anything to say after that other than, God, You are amazing! I love You, but I know I don't love You enough. Please, Holy Spirit, continue give me the strength to understand Your love, and give me the strength to love You as You ought to be loved.
I feel like God has been growing and maturing me a lot in the past few weeks, and I am excited to see what new stage of life He is preparing me for. I hope for those of you who made it all the way through this post found it encouraging at least, and please, feel free to contact me if you have any questions. But now, I suppose I should go read some Latin...
